Today was a routine scan for Dad..it's been almost three years since he was first diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. This routine scan has been called for a little earlier than usual from his doctor due to the chroic pain he has been in that resulted in finding a very small spot on his brain and the decision to treat his neck area with radiation due to the pain he has had since November. He really is a walking miracle; as that three years ago the prognosis wasn't good. He is an avid believer that his hedge apple recipe is the trick..I'm not sure but I can't dispute it either. (see links at the bottom) Lately he had slacked off (he totally believes this is why it's back) and here we are...waiting in the dreadfully uncomfortable (aren't waiting rooms for the sick?) chairs for the last of the scans.
My mom came with us; she stands by him all of the time. She, herself is about to undergo a kidney transplant and is all set to begin dialysis until then, but still she comes and endures these longs days like a champ. I playfully snap a picture of them sleeping side by side in the chairs while waiting. However, on the inside it makes me very sad. It just hit me that the tables are turning.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I cannot sleep. I keep waking from bad dreams about Dad's results. My brother is set to go with them to the doctor's appointment where the result will be given, but something tells me I should go. Even when a dream doesn't wake me...something does. My sister, Kelly is in Las Vegas for work. She usually is the glue that keeps all of this together and I know my older brother, Daran, can totally handle it on his own, but yet I'm gonna go.
The day drags on...I pray every minute I get some peace that the results are nothing to worry about...
3:45 p.m. Appointment time at Central Baptist Hospital..My brother, Mom, Dad, and I wait in the tiny waiting room (this time with surprisingly comfortable chairs) with nothing but small talk between us. It's like there is a huge elephant in the room..we are all wondering what the next hour will bring, but no one wants to go there.
Soon we are called back to do the second waiting...you know the waiting in the Dr.'s office..a little further in but just not ready for you yet..more small talk.
Finally Dr. Hicks comes in and greets the new faces (he is only used to Kelly being there). I can see it on his face. I see it and recognize it..I compare it to the part of my job as a school guidance counselor when I have to tell a child that they can't go home or when I talk to a parent or child that has lost someone they love..it's a sympathetic look none the less.
Here is where I can't really recall exactly how it went...so here is what I heard in pieces...
"the cancer is there", "in spinal fluid", "too much of a barrier for treatments", "well there is one, but it's horrid and not a home run chance..more like a bunt for first base", "our goal is comfort", "hospice will be a great resource", "you mustn't drive", "takes your motor skills","you've fought a good fight..keep it up," "don't quit living"...that last one is an oxymoron isn't it..here he is telling us this is the beginning of the end but don't quit living your life as you normally would...sorry doc, but nothing will quite be normal from these moments on.
I'm not sure how often others see there parents cry..but me hardly ever. I only recall seeing my mom cry twice and that was when her brother passed and then my grandmother. My dad...none that I can remember before cancer. Today I saw them both in the same room cry over this news. My brother and I didn't..it's amazing where your strength comes from..and the table turned a little more.
Weekend of March 30, 2012
I go to my parent's farm often, but this weekend seemed necessity. Not sure what or how it was gonna be but I did know that my parents just want us to come home as often as we can. Seemed like every song on the radio for the almost two hour travel time was about losing someone you love and the "c" word was in over half of the t.v. commercials and signs I had seen in the past week. Is it always that way or am I just super sensitive? As we pulled into the long black topped drive-way of my parent's place it hit me that you work your whole life to have the "just right" place and it is all for not. My parent's have poured their heart and soul into this farm and now struggle to enjoy it. I vow at that moment to "let things go". I constantly compare myself with others; so and so is getting a new house..should we be ready for that yet?, Wow..they are going on a wonderful vacation..wonder if we will be able to get the boys to Disney before they are in their teens?...and on and on.. I'm done..or at least I'm gonna smack myself when those thoughts try to creep in. Those things are not what is most important and none of those things (even the pictures ;P) can leave this world with you. I really want to enjoy each day for what it is and who it is spent with. I'm sure I will need reminding of this many, many times but it is a start.
We get through the weekend, although things are a little on edge. Anger is most definitely what everyone is feeling. Easy snaps at one another, comments such as "I won't get to enjoy it!" and "I almost have things the way I wanted them." are frequent.
The hardest part is carrying on pretending that the dark "cancer cloud" isn't in the distance. Just not sure when and how hard the storm will hit.
May 26, 2012
So here we are almost two months since the news that has started to change everything..and Dad and I have started something new.."Sunday drive'n". The truth is it doesn't have to be a Sunday. Dad really enjoys driving around. I think he and I are good "loafers". I guess I've always know his passion for driving with no destination in mind, but I really discovered it when I had asked him to show me some good spots to take pictures about two weekends ago. We ended up driving for hours and among the great spots he had scouted out we had great conversation and stories about the roads he had been down in his lifetime. That day we decided that we would go for drives each time I came in...just to see where the road would take us. He is having a much harder time getting around and each week I come in I see a new piece of equipment that is needed to assist his mobility..first a cane, then two, now a walker and talk of a wheel chair. He has trouble staying awake when he is seated..even falling asleep when he eats or in mid-conversation, but when we are driving he is alert as he can be.
Tonight I was so thankful to be in the driver's seat and have that steering wheel to hold on to because you just aren't prepared to hear your Daddy say, "Renee, I'm gonna take these drives with me to heaven." I took that to mean these times were cherished and that he really enjoyed the time and the scenery we take in on our drives. I think I said something to the effect of, "Oh now..heaven will be so much prettier than these old country roads." but I'm not really sure if anything came out of my mouth. We changed the path of that conversation as easily as I turned down a new road, but it's been sticking with me. What it must feel like to be him? I can only imagine.
May 28, 2012
Today was a day for me to help out my Mom by taking her to her dialysis appointment. (Have I mentioned that she, too, is needing some extra care these days? Renal kidney failure isn't much fun either! Dialysis began about a week ago for her. There is a plan in place for a kidney...we just haven't gotten there yet. My sister is planning on being a living donor, but we just aren't there yet..more to come on this later I'm sure) The original plan had been for me and the boys to drop her off, spend the four hour wait in between doing something fun by the boy's standards, and picking mom back up to take her home and be sure she and Dad were cared for and comfortable before coming home to Nicholasville. Dad had other plans. He isn't much on staying home alone now, so he had some errands to run and came along for the ride. We dropped Mom off, checked in with his doctor and gave his favorite receptionist some fresh strawberries, waited at the barber shop together for his haircut, stopped by the DQ for a cool treat before wasting the rest of our time at the park to let the boys play (they had been such good sports and cooped up in the van way too long). All day I had been jumping out to load and unload the walker and the park was no different. I realized at that moment how weird it was to be doing that for my Dad and that the playground was really far away from the parking lot and felt bad that he had so far to go to watch the boys play. He didn't seem to mind and we all had a nice leisurely walk to the play area. He had a cool spot in the shade to drink his milkshake and watch the boys play. Then he said, "I wish I had taken time to do these kinds of things earlier." Wow! I can't help but think that part of God's plan is to help the rest of us realize some things about living by way of watching someone else count their days. Needless to say when I got home tonight and had a sink full of dishes to do I walked away, as a matter of fact they are still there. Instead I sat on my porch step and listened to my boys play and laugh and fuss with one another...and then I got up and played too!
June 1, 2012
More of the same and I'm grateful it's not getting much worse. Received a huge compliment from my Daddy during our drive today..."You've done a good job with those boys!" That meant a lot! We talked about how hard it is to raise children and he reminded me to never over indulge them and make them work towards high expectations. I kind of resented that growing up...I started working in the real world at the age of 16 and before that for an even harder boss...DAD! Today I'm extremely thankful for the expectations he had for us. Here are a few of his mantras I remember being told time and time again ...."learn to do something you have to have a license to do...something not just anyone is qualified to do." "NEVER...quit one job before you have another lined up." ....."I'm not rewarding you for something you're expected to do" (there was a big fight over payment for grades with that one)....."early bird gets the worm"...and the list goes on. One time specific memory I have is when I came home from my first semester of college to find my McDonald's uniform neatly pressed and laying out on my bed with an opener's schedule (fellow McDonald workers know the hours I'm talk'n about) on one side and my grades that have been so promptly delivered before my move back home on the other...with grades like I had that first semester he said I needed to hold on to my high school job..there would be no sense in me wasting anymore money with college...let's just say I graduated with a 3.8 GPA from UK and went on to get a 4.0 in my graduate program.
Today's drive took us past one of his first farms and my grandmother's family's old farm. It was interesting hearing him ramble about how he worked during his early years on those farms. He told me I should take some pictures of all these places because they would be gone soon enough and dished out yet, another compliment, that I have an eye for things with my camera. I'm gonna hold on to those comments because coming from him it means a lot!
I have mixed feelings right now about the way he worked. He worked hard...still does what he can...and frankly it really angers me that all that work cannot be enjoyed now in retirement because of cancer. On one hand you could look at it as if you work hard, provide for your family, obtain material possessions to your heart's desire and then sit and watch it deteriorate with your health..On the other hand..you can understand that without that work to motivate you everyday, and in Dad's case, have something to want to get out of bed for, you may never discover your full life's potential. I hope I can find the happy medium so it doesn't all pass me by.
Speaking of "passing by"...we did let a little pass us by today as we had the laziest day before our drive ever..laying on a quilt in the front yard as my boys played. While Dad slept..I enjoyed their laughter and squeals with an ice cold Ale-8 and a Blue Monday...not a care in the world for a few hours.
June 3, 2012
Happy Anniversary to my parents....47 years on June 5, 2012. We had a small get together (that means just us, my grandmother, my dad's good friend, and so on..) by way of my brother's suggestion. The whole meal prepared by my brother, my sister and I ;) and despite that we still had a good time. 47 years is a long time! I wanted to ask them today what the secret was but there never was an opportunity. It seems that tension is really high between them right now..both of them battling health issues doesn't leave much room for celebration. I did ask them this morning to really try to only be positive to one another...it worked! for about 30 minutes ;) Deep down I know they love each other and that they are both just frightened. I worry after only 11 years of marriage what I would do if something ever happened to Garett...I can't imagine the dependency that has developed over 47 years! I know that I am very thankful they are still together and I'm praying hard everyday that in three years we can have a huge anniversary get together...they will deserve such a celebration because marriage is a huge commitment; not to be taken lightly; it's work!
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| Mom and Dad on their 47th Anniversary! |
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| Mom and Dad on their wedding day! |
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| Dad with all of his grandsons...I love this pic! |
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| Dad and I on Father's Day...He's giving me that "What have you done?" look. |
June 23, 2012
Today it has been very challenging hanging out with my Dad. He's angry! I'm not sure at who or what, but I think the main culprit is Cancer! I even had to have a "talk" with my Dad. A talk about his language, his attitude toward my mother and anyone else who tried to help him and his overall outlook on the things to come. He is now almost completely reliant on a walker and can be just plain mean! A lot of "you never's", "I tried to tell ya's", "If you'd listened to me's" and "didn't I try to give you all you wanted's". Today in the barn my son, Rhett, was whining and wanted to ride the tractor..my husband Garett was there and got Rhett to settle for the lawnmower. Garett didn't start it to suit my Dad and before we knew it he had popped up and then fallen right on the mower deck! He must've thought we giggled, when in reality we smiled at one another more in shock than anything else, not really knowing what else to do in such an awkward moment, and my Dad screamed, "Don't laugh at me! It's not funny dammit!" Believe me no one is laughing. The whole day was kind of like that...We had been to Lowe's to get add ons for the house to help accommodate him, been to the store in Bethel, and then back to the farm, but throughout the whole day there was a looming anger; an anger like he was leaving to go somewhere he didn't want to go.
June 26th, 2012
WoW! Change can happen so fast! I came home tonight as scheduled so that I could escort my Mom to her dialysis appointment tomorrow morning. I was not expecting what I encountered. My sister had told me that there were some major changes, but the truth is my Dad had slipped away in the few days that had went by since Saturday. He is now talking out of his head (well, actually he knows exactly what he's talking about, it's just not in our here and now). There is little mobility without help and all control is lost.
I spent the night that night and sent my boys to my sister's. It was the longest night of my life. He slept, but in his sleep he thrashed and talked and was up every hour wanting to "go". My Daddy had gone :(
We spend the next day trying to get our minds wrapped around what has happened in just a few short days. We (my Mom, sister and brother and I) ask for help. We hire an in home assistant to help us and pray that this is what he'd want us to do. (My sister, again, doing most of the leg work to arrange things..my Dad always depended on her to keep us organized and she has for sure rose to the occasion. All the while my brother is keeping the farm in tip top shape. He knows exactly what to do it seems and no one would ever know from the outside looking in that my Dad is sick. Not only is my brother working a full-time job, but now has not one, but two farms to keep up.) No one expects to go through these changes..we know it's gonna be a long road ahead.
I heard this song on my way home that night..."just in time" I must add. I thought it was perfect given Dad's love for his "Sunday drives" :) I had taken him on one more "Sunday drive " a few days after his changes and to say the least it was not the same. There was paranoia in his mind as we drove and he obviously wasn't seeing what I was through the windshield. I cried and he didn't even know. His mind was busy and his hands gripped his cane as if he was gonna use it against me. Even though I knew he would never, I've never been that scared that close to home. I knew then he was on his journey; taking "the long way home".
July 6th, 2012 - We take shifts now, my sister and I, staying with our parents. Yes there is help here and Daran is right next door, but it takes us all. Over the past week I have had to do things I would have never imagined. It's like caring for an infant all over again. We lift, we feed, we clean, we talk to him; never knowing if what he is really thinking of feeling. I am broken. I know if he could tell us he would tell us how he doesn't want things to be this way. Tonight he fell...right in front of me and I couldn't get there in time. It hit me..that is what is happening..he is falling; slipping away; right in front of us and we just can't save him. I felt terrible; knowing how it must have hurt to fall; how it must have felt to have to trust in us so completely. After the fall we were getting him tucked into bed and my Mom whispered, "I am so sorry." I'm not sure if she was talking to him or me or to herself..but with my hands holding him for the nurse I couldn't wipe the tears away. One fell on his hand and I wonder if he felt it. I wonder if he feels how much we love him and how much we want him to be okay...whatever it takes. I wonder if he feels as broken as we do. This by far is the hardest thing I've been through so far. I hurt for myself, for my Mom, for my brother and sister, who have known him longer, for his Mother who has lived through so much already...I am broken.
July 8, 2012
Another challenging day....I miss my "before the cancer" Dad! That is all.
July 9, 2012
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| Dad checking out the Gator for the first time. |
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| Dad checking out new picture of the farm taken from the air in May. |
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| Dad takes a ride on his new "ride". |
Dad is sleeping most of the time now and we continue to schedule our days. I am thankful for the time I am spending here. I do love my parents farm! My sister and I went swimming in the pond this week...not many can do that right out their front door! My boys love it here and I know that would make my Daddy smile. We are trying really hard to keep him comfortable and where he wants to be....home. Tonight my brother, Daran was called over to lift him. Since he is helping himself less and less we needed more muscle. It was sweet and sad at the same time to see Daran stand in front of Dad and ask for Dad to put his arms around his neck so he could get him moved to the bed for the night. I don't think I've ever seen my Dad and brother hug. I don't know why. My Dad was so proud of my brother. Not sure if he ever told him, but he often boasted about my brother, my sister, and my nephews in my presence. I guess it's a "guy thing"..the no hugs. But whatever the reason it made me sad that it took this to get those hugs in. Hug your loved ones often and tell them often that you love them. I plan on making sure I do more of that. I started today when I had done the same to Dad to try to help alleviate some pain. He was so uncomfortable in every position..so I just hugged him for a little while trying to rock him back and forth. I seemed to work a little. Who knew the power of a hug?
I'm not sure I don't understand God's plan right now, but I'm trying really hard to have faith. Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself I try to think of what it must be like to be him and the old adage "Someone has it worse!" Lately my thoughts have been about my Mamaw too. She will celebrate her 94th birthday in a few days. I know she is worried, as well as my aunts and other family members...but I worry about her the most. No one should outlive their children no matter what age. I once did a scrapbook for her that had quotes from all the family in it about things she has told them or words of advice and Dad's memory had recalled her saying "The Lord won't put anything on you that you can't handle." She had told him this when his Daddy passed away. I think she knows what she is talking about and I hope she is telling herself that now.
My prayer tonight is for comfort. Comfort for my Dad as the cancer has it's way with him, comfort for my Mamaw Means, and comfort for all of us to know we are doing all we can during this difficult time.
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| Mamaw and Dad at a Razor family reunion..maybe the last Razor family reunion that was had. |
July 13, 2012
My life has changed :((((
No words can express the hurt you feel. Unless you've experienced it..you. just. don't. know.
Daddy made it "home" today. This morning around 4:30 a.m. he became pain free. I like to think he let go because he was content with the way things were. It hurts; I won't lie. I think it will sting for a long, long time. It was expected but that doesn't make it easy. You hear people say all of the time.."Well if it's gotta happen I want it to be quick, or If it's gotta happen at least you knew it was coming.."
It doesn't matter..it still hurts, you still think of the would've, could've, should've's and they are still gone. I was here the whole time...he went peacefully in his sleep with my mom (and Max...if you know my dad he wouldn't have wanted it any other way) by his side.
He was a wonderful man...
He was my Daddy <3 (and a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a businessman, a pesky father-in-law, a Papaw, a conservationist, a trickster, a mentor, a role model.....and the list could go on and on...and now our guardian angel).
Now what?
July 14th, 2012
Yesterday the fog set in. It just doesn't seem possible. I don't know of one person that will escape death but you do find yourself feeling like people can live forever..especially your parents. Yesterday was exhausting. I think I cried the most when the funeral home came to take him. All I could do was think of it being the last time he would be leaving the drive-way from the house.
Poor mom still had to keep her dialysis appointment, so by 9 a.m. I was alone in house. The big, empty and much quieter house. The quiet is actually what woke me up around 4 a.m. I didn't hear Dad "rock'n the house" with his snoring. The "tick tock" of the seven day wind up clock hanging in the living room woke me. I walked down the hall to take a peek at him and he was sleeping; breathing shallow but resting. Mom laying in the bed beside the hospital bed was resting too. Only Max was awake keeping watch over Dad. He has become so protective over him and the bedroom lately. So loyal! So I meandered back to the couch where I was sleeping and dozed back off. We had all been thinking the same thing the night before...He had started to have a lot of trouble swallowing and that day had been the first day that he has spent totally in bed with no desire to get up. How much longer would he have to endure.
About thirty minutes later Mom woke me to tell me he had passed. He went peacefully in his sleep, just as anyone would hope to go.
Perhaps the hardest part was telling Mamaw. In just three days she would be turning 94. The last thing she wanted was to hear of the passing of her baby boy. It wasn't easy. No matter what the age, a parent outliving their child is just hard. She had been worried it would be soon. Her last husband, the only Papaw I ever knew, passed on her birthday many years ago..she believed it would be close again. I can't tell you how much I hated to tell her that her birthday week would be foreshadowed by another death. I saw one of the strongest women I know weep. Of course, she did it with grace and dignity..she knows no other way..as I said she is one strong lady!
So there I was hours later..with not a lot to do. So I cleaned :) My goal was to have the house look like cancer had not left it's mark on the home. I think I did well..except for one thing. The void that was felt when you walk in and my Dad wasn't sitting at the kitchen table. I took this picture of his hat hanging on the chair...I don't know why..I guess because it made me think for a split second he was home.
Today is the day the arrangements were made as well. Boy that is a tough job! It's all well and fine until you walk into the room to select the casket. I have issues with suffocation anyway...and just the thought of it left me feeling like I needed oxygen. Kelly and I assisted Mom with this task and Daran was the man on the job for cemetery duty. None of it is cool. With my Dad's mother's birthday being in the next couple of days and my Mom's dialysis schedule being three times per week; the choices for scheduling the visitation and funeral were limited. He will be buried almost one week after his passing. That makes for a long week but it seemed so very necessary so that his mother wouldn't have to bury her baby on her birthday and so Mom would have enough strength to get through the emotional things to come. It's gonna be a long week ahead. Even with all of the very final decisions it feels like the fog is still around.
July 15th, 2012
I spent the night at home last night. Still foggy, but I try to enjoy my children and husband. Garett and I decided to tell the boys last night. I dreaded it. Only a few days ago we had to tell them their hamster died and now their Papaw. No love was lost on the hamster, but Papaw is a different story for both of them. They enjoy the farm so much and he always went out of his way to ensure that they get to experience the "country". From feeding cows, hand feeding catfish and to tractor riding, he made sure they were learning about the farm. We talked to him every day and he was an active part of their lives.
They had obviously figured out that Papaw was sick, but in their mind people who are sick get better. So we told them. And again in his timely way..God wrapped his arms around our family and helped comfort their little minds. Braydon actually said, "I'm happy Papaw is in heaven..he's not sick anymore." Rhett took it all in and came back about 30 minutes later to say he was sad. I told him I was sad too, but not for Papaw for us because we will miss him. I know there will be more questions later, but for now they seem to understand. Braydon's little bedtime prayer said it all..this isn't it exactly because I'm not that good, but it went something like this....
Dear God,
Thank you for all of the blessings you give us.
Please take care of our Papaw in heaven and make him not sick there.
We know you will tell him we love him.
In Jesus's name we pray....Amen.
Thank goodness it was dark and a pillow was close by because my face was twitching into the "ugly cry"..children seem to know exactly how to put things in simple terms. At that moment I was so thankful for having the kids in church. I don't think the understanding and acceptance would have been there without what they have learned through church. It sure helped me too...sharing that kind of news about someone that is so much a part of your life sure isn't easy. So it certainly helped when they re-stated what I needed to hear.."be happy he's in heaven now."
I went to church this morning and the first song on the radio is "You'll be There" by George Strait. I take it as a sign.
I'll be joining church soon. I've been feeling it for sometime now, but I want to be sure "I'll be There" .....So that's a "Happy birthday Mamaw!" She's been hoping I'd take that step soon...can't think of a better time for everyone involved.
July 17, 2012
Today we stayed busy. Corn's on! Dad would have had it no other way. Together, Kelly, Mom, my boys, and I were able to freeze about 130 ears of corn. If he'd had been here he would've been right in the middle of it...out shucking us all.
I'm sure he was laid back watching us work today. I'm confident he made it "home" so he could. Last night after a wonderful summer thunderstorm a beautiful vibrant rainbow appeared over the farm. I almost ran over the boys to get outside to capture it with my camera...when I get back inside Mom tells me that he's arrived. She said it's in the Bible that that is a sign that the soul has arrived in heaven. I need to read more about that! Here lately I'm not sure if they are signs or I'm just looking harder, but is sure is wonderful reassurance that he's in a better place. I hope that comfort lasts throughout the next two days. I have a feeling we are gonna need it. It's still foggy, but as the fog lifts to reveal the reality...we are gonna need faith to sustain us.
July 18, 2012
Tonight was visitation at the funeral home. Wow! It was surreal. Of course, family gets to go first. The smell of the flowers was the first thing I noticed and then when I saw him it just didn't seem possible. You hate to say "he looked good", but he did look a lot like himself. We chose to keep him casual and to put in a farm hat at his side. He never went anywhere without his hat. It just doesn't seem possible..but it's true.
In no time we were greeting those that came to say their last goodbyes. Somehow you get strength to endure things like this. The line of callers seemed never ending. People from near and far, the past and the present came. Some that only new him in his younger years..not knowing I even existed! Friends of his, long lost relatives (why is that? Don't let a funeral be the first place you see your family.) friends of my mother's, his mother's, my siblings, myself..you name it they were there despite the booming storm that had traveled through. To our count about 700 visitors. My Dad had made quite an impression evidently. We knew he'd never met a stranger, but he really was not a stranger! It was nice to hear memories of our Dad. It was uplifting to hear stories about him, how he'd helped people we didn't even know, how he'd joked with folks, and how he'd touched the lives of those that came to gather there. He didn't always agree with everyone he talked to, but evidently he had been respected. It was nice. We were exhausted. The fog is still there.
July 19, 2012
Today we laid my Dad to rest. This day really did seem like a dream. The funeral was conducted by my brother-in-law and one of my Dad's good friends that so happens to also be a Reverend. They pegged him. All of what they said was true and sincere. I don't know how they got through it. I cried. I cried a lot. I am so thankful that my brother was there beside me. He's not really the affectionate type, but his strong shoulders were right there for me today and I cried. My grandmother on one side and he on the other. My sister there beside my Mom. We all cried.
The cemetery is the hardest part of a funeral service to me. I think it's my suffocation issues again and I don't like that feeling. I wept. I wept through it all until I had no tears left. I felt like, despite all the people present, I was alone just crying. I truly feel like a piece of me was buried today too. This hurt is unlike any other I have ever experienced. Everyone says it gets easier, but I can't help but think they lie. There was a huge storm cloud looming over the service. The storm held off but I feel like that gloomy dark cloud may stick around for a while.
Afterwards, we went to the church that we grew up in; the church my parents married in, the church Garett and I married in, the church my parents attend, for dinner. Wow! A community like Bethel sure can pull it together! My hat is off to them. Folks put all differences aside and really worked together to provide the best meal and fellowship. It is all very comforting. It was nice to visit with relatives and friends. Everyone finished up saying their last condolences and their promises of keeping in touch. Then we go home. The drive down my parent's driveway hit me like a ton of bricks. Dad isn't here anymore and won't ever get to see the fruits of his labor. Tons of emotions break the flood gates as we drive past the gates of the farm.
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| I took this picture after the dinner at the church. The flag given to us at the funeral, two roses from his arrangement, and the stain glass windows of the church. |
Today is my birthday. Today it has been almost two weeks since my Dad passed away. Today is the first of many new "firsts" we must get used to. Today was not easy.
The past week has not been easy. It's like I don't really know what to do...like I'm waiting for someone to tell me it's not really true and that Dad will be back and at his old self the next time I travel to Bethel. Well, I came back to Bethel today and he wasn't here. I realized today that today will be the first of many birthdays, holidays, and family celebrations that he won't be here in person for, but I do feel that he is with me in spirit and I hope that faith comforts me in the months to come. It wasn't a horrible birthday and let's face it...how many 29's can I celebrate ;)
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| Hardly anyone ever blew out their own candles! Usually it was me that got in on the wishes, but here Dad was helping me out. |
August 4, 2012
This will probably be my last entry of this journal...after all Dad would've have said I was wearing it out by now ;)
That is what I have decided to do...remember all of the things he taught me, all of his little sayings, songs and jokes and remember him the way he would want to be remembered. One of the hardest facts for me to accept is that even though my boys know him now, they are young enough that they may forget. That makes me so sad. He was so proud of Geoffrey and Seth and always said he couldn't wait to see what they did with their lives. I know he wanted the same for my boys and I wanted even more for him to be a part of their raising. He had a lot to offer. I still need him. I still need to call every night and tell him about my job and our family's everyday adventures. I kept one of my last messages from him on my phone and I replay it every now and again just to hear his voice. Weird I know, but oddly comforting.
The boys continue to ask questions, dealing with things in their own time and way. The cutest was a week ago when a huge argument broke out in the back of the van as we pulled into the farm's driveway. Rhett yelled, "We're at Mamaw and Papaw's!" as he usually does when he recognized the farm. Braydon, quick to find a way to contradict his brother says, "Nu uh! We're at Mamaw's!" Rhett quickly snapped back, "It's still Papaw's too "Baydon" even though he's in heaven!" He got really upset, to the point of screaming and on the verge of tears as the debate continued. We settled it and decided we can still say "Mamaw & Papaw's" as long as we want because Papaw is with us now more than ever.
Now we need to focus on our Mom and her health. Tonight she said, "If I'm here next year..." and I can't remember the rest because I stopped her to tell her not to talk that way! I don't want to even consider the thought of losing both parents in one year's time. No way! However, besides being lonely I'm sure, she is holding her own and we hope to have her kidney transplant all complete by the new year.
Everyday I think of him and being at their house so often reminds you of every little thing, but more importantly I think "is this what he would want for me?" and I'm gonna try to make him proud each and every day. I still cry and I still miss him and the Lord knows that my heart breaks. It breaks for me, for my mom, for my sister and brother, for my grand-mother, my aunts and my children. But I also know that we can never truly lose something that we have loved so deeply. I am a part of him and I'm very proud to have loved him for the time we shared here on Earth.
God saw you getting tired, The cure was not to be He wrapped you in His loving Arms, And whispered "Come to Me" You suffered much in silence, Your spirit did not bend You faced your pain with courage, Until the very end You tried so hard to stay with us Your fight was not in vain God took you to His loving HomeAnd freed you from your pain A golden heart stopped beating, Two working hands at rest God broke our hearts to prove to us, HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST
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| One of my favorite recent pictures of Dad! He loved farm'n and was good at it! |
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| Life is too short to be taken seriously ;P |
Below are a few links about the use of hedge apples and cancer. I don't know if it truly works or not, but I do know that Dad slowed down his use of hedge apple and that is when his cancer reared it's ugly head again. He was very rigid about it in the beginning, eating two teaspoons a day of the mixture he ground up from hedge apples found on the farm, and no one really knows why he quit taking it. I do know his doctor's believed he beat the odds three years ago when he was first diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and I do know Dad liked to share his recipe for mixing it up and his experience with it's use with anyone and everyone. So who knows? It may be the one trick researchers are missing or that they are researching now....so why not? Cancer is mean...hopefully one day we can fight back harder and stronger!
This video explains a lot. Dad said a lot of the same things about the hedge apple..who knows? They may be onto something!
